On Being a Fork in a Bowl of Soup. . .
. . .A rant and a reality check.
Curls up in bed with Occupant T who looks over my shoulders as I hold my phone, staring at the text that has just come in.
“So, Debs, what good thing happened to you today?”
I stare at the text for the umpteenth time as my mind spirals into a mini reflection mode. I recently started a gratitude journal and I've been holding my friends accountable to inputting something everyday.
It is my turn to be held accountable tonight and I am suddenly searching for the exact good thing that happened to me today.
Deadlines. School workload. Assignments. Fatigue. Migraine. Stress. Burnout. A rejection mail. Occasional feeling of loneliness and nostalgia. Reminder of tight finances. An unticked to-do list at 10:59 p.m.
I'm tempted to text, “Nothing good happened to me today. Matter of fact, I shed a tear or two, which hasn't happened in a long while.”
But I change my mind and type, “At least, I breathed. Exhaled and inhaled today without difficulty. Could have been worse.” There, that's what.
Then I press send and toss my phone away, burying my head into my pillow.
Occupant T picks my phone gently, scrolls through Spotify and Teni's “Hustle” comes on full volume on the JBL speaker in my head.
“I wan talk my mind o, for anyone wey fit relate o. . .”
I hundred percent agree with the person who said the toughest thing about adulthood is that your life could be crumbling but you still have to show up and do what you need to do.
You're mentally drained, your head's not booting and you're experiencing a creative block. But your client is blowing up your phone with calls, asking you to turn in a deliverable because you're behind time.
You're re-thinking your life decisions but there's this lecturer who keeps bombarding you with tests and Assignments.
Maybe you're just fatigued and you want to sleep for three days non-stop but you have tasks that you need to attend to. And truthfully, even if you sleep for ninety days, when you wake, you still have your tasks to yourself. (Hurray, lol)
You're missing home and family but you cannot go home because of course, you left home for a purpose.
You're just stressed and want to run away or disappear for like six months (one year, honestly. She just said six months so you people don't consider her insane - Occupant T). And then on your return, have people ask if you enjoyed your disappearance and if you need some more run-away time. But you've got stuff to do and no matter how long you disappear, they're still waiting for you.
You're mentally floating face-down in a river but you occasionally have to wave your hands and mutter (through gritted teeth), “I'm fine!”
“. . .cause the pressure plenty, and expectations high.”
Not to forget, you have to keep up with the rest of the world, you have to check on that friend you've not heard from in weeks, you have to be a good sister, daughter, babe or boo, you have to. . . Urgh! (Faints aggressively)
It doesn't matter how your life's crumbling. The show must go on.
Sometimes, you're tempted to wonder what unhealed part of you as a kid, attracted you to adulthood. Was it the desire for independence? To graduate from kid problems like cleaning rooms and doing the dishes to adult problems like having your own job and making money? Well, allow me to humor you!
You now have your job, your career in view, (or you're schooling, as the case may be), and you now have your own money (I mean somehow, Innit? Not like we now have all the money we want, yeah?). But guess what? You still have to clean your room and you still have to do 'em dishes. (Turns out to be lifetime problems, contrary to kid problems like we all thought.)
And according to occupant T, it's such a rude way to be an adult!
Someone said, “Adulting is a bowl of soup and I am a fork.” Right. I agree. Adulting is a bowl of soup and I am a fork and we do not quite fit but I am in the soup already, am I not? (Haha, haha indeed.)
Someone else said, Adulthood is just repetitively saying “. . .But after this week, things will finally slow down a little” to people, until you either retire or die.
True because nothing ever slows down. Not even a little.
But hey, hey, no matter how much you hate adulthood, you're in now and there's no turning back.
You see, whenever you get stuck and overwhelmed. . .whenever you start to feel like you're not handling adulthood well enough, I need you to remember this saying I read somewhere. “There is literally nothing in nature that blooms all year long, so do not expect yourself to do so.”
You're a big part of nature and it is impossible for you to bloom all year long. You're doing well, just taking adulthood one step at a time as it comes.
“No be pride, no be ego. . .
Sometimes I gats change my mind. . .”
It's okay to slow down, to take your time.
“Sometimes I gats stay away when I have nothing to say,
Sometimes I will have to say no.”
It's okay to go off the grid and stay away from people to regain energy.
“Sometimes I gats pour water on top my head, make this pressure no go drive me insane o. . .”
It's okay to take breaks. No pressure.
I mean, look at you becoming what you dreamed of when you were younger and you're almost not noticing. You're almost not noticing! C'mon!
“. . .whoa, it's all love. . .”
Yes, Adulting and adulthood may be bowl of soup and you may be a fork. . .
But meh, you'll make it. You always do.
“. . . and I'm cool with it!”